As you know by now, Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes sold his life away to the franchise for ten years for approximately $500 million dollars. Reports came out today that Mahomes made his first major purchase with his insane amount of money. Mahomes is now a co-owner of the Kansas City Royals baseball team. Not an investment many saw coming, however, a solid one nonetheless. Mahomes has a baseball past. He played the sport growing up, and his father, Pat Mahomes Sr., played in the MLB for 11 years. I can only imagine 1) owning a baseball team while being an active NFL player and 2) having $500 million. Besides a baseball team, I thought to myself, what else can $500 million get you? Let’s find out:
125,313,283 Big Macs
Had to start off with one of the most basic comparisons of all time. At an average $3.99 cost, Mahomes can be set for life with food and buy 125,313,283 Big Macs from McDonalds. No meal, just the sammy. Honestly, find me the person that needs this much Mickey D’s and I’ll also show you diabetes. Who knows, a McDonald’s sponsorship could be in his future.
2,000,000 ounces of Weed
On an average cost of $250 and ounce (depending on if your dealer is friendly or not), Mahomes could by 2,000,000 ounces of the Devil’s Lettuce. The NFL is still like an 80 year old white man on it’s views of pot, however, with the way this country is going, I’m sure the NFL will soon look past its marijuana policy. They need to, because I know most of the players are enjoying a delicious toke trying to prevent that thing they call CTE.
157 Aston Martin Valkyries
Often considered one of the nicest and most expensive cars in the world, Mahomes could throw it all away and buy 157 Aston Martin Valkyries. Why one would need 157 cars? I don’t know. But I do know that the money he has is basically fuck you money and he can do whatever the hell he wants.
Become a Majority Owner of the Washington Football Team
The value of the Washington Football Team is approximately $4.3 billion. How? I have no idea. For a mediocre franchise they should be worth half of that! I believe Patty Mahomes is the man that can turn this franchise around. No, not by playing for them, but giving Dan “Suckass” Snyder the boot and running the show when he retires from the NFL. If you’re looking for what the new name of the Washington Football Team should be, refer to my blog HERE.
Roughly 1,000 nights of the most expensive of nights at Magic City in Atlanta
If you didn’t know what Magic City was before this week, shame on you. Also, you must not listen to rap music. Magic City was in the news this week because Clippers star Lou Williams hopped out of the NBA bubble to attend a funeral, while stopping by the most famous strip club in the world to grab some Lemon Pepper Wings. That is an all time story. Williams has to quarantine for ten days before returning to action in the bubble. This isn’t about him. If Mahomes wasn’t in a happy relationship, oh boy he could do some damage. I mean, prices of a night at a strip club range so this isn’t 100% accurate, but Mahomes can make sure him and his boys FEAST on some wings at Magic City.
Everyone has been shitting their pants about the release of the Next Gen consoles. Welp, Mahomes can be a real dick here and buy a million of them (at a $500 cost per console). Imagine little Johnny opening up his Christmas present to find an empty box because big boy Mahomes knows how to work the market. Supply and Demand babyyyyy.
However many nice ass houses wherever he wants
Yes, I am aware that the housing market is different everywhere, but hell, Mahomes can afford it. God, would I love to have this problem of trying to find a nice ass house to buy. Mountain house in Colorado? Check. A filthy mansion on the beach in Miami? Check. A gorgeous penthouse in NYC? You betcha. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull any Epstein shit there.
16,666,666.7 Handles of Tito’s Vodka
You don’t need expensive shit, you need quality shit. Tito’s, in my humble opinion, is the best vodka out there. Mahomes can make sure I go back to drinking Taaka and diminish the world’s supply of this succulent nectar.
2,500 tickets to… Space?
Apparently Katy Perry pulled this a while back. She bought a $200,000 ticket to space. This would be perfect for Mahomes. When he’s done with this Earth bullshit, he can take him and all his homies to space. I was trying to figure out how much it would cost to colonize Mars, however, we are not there yet.
Holders, your time to shine
Now this should be fun. I know the degenerate bunch that follows Hold The Mayo has some ideas. So I must ask. Holders, if you had $500,000,000, what would you spend it on? What would you do? Please God tell me, because I would love to spend hours of my day reading what kind of deranged shit you guys would be up to. I know for sure most of y’all would be buying the pot or spending multiple lavish evenings at Magic City.