Da Parish Chronicles: Larry “The Blind Umpire”

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St. Bernard stand up and brace yourself for another addition to Da Parish Chronicles! I’m back in my feels and taking a trip down Judge Perez again. This time, I’m not comparing which school has the best sock hops (click here to go back down that avenue. Nor will I be discussing which rec ball club is the best in Da Parish (click here for that easy decision). Rather, I’m going to be discussing an individual we all have argued with at a young age, Larry “the visually impaired umpire”.

Now for all the individuals that have any relation to Larry or know him well, I’m not saying this man was a terrible individual. All I’m saying is he needed some better damn glasses than those telescopes he wore on a daily basis. So please keep in mind, as you read this I am giving my own personal experiences with him as an umpire and how he shaped the baseball athlete I once was.


Every coach, well most coaches, I had all tried to instill this one on us at a young age. Show respect to the other players whether you win or lose. I learned how to be a “good winner” and a “good lose…”. Wait hell no, never learned how to be a “good loser”. If you were a good loser, you likely played at Carolyn Park or Rebel because it happened so often.

We were also taught that we should not argue with the umpire because they were an adult and that’s a coach’s job to do. Well I call bullshit right here and now. Larry pissed me off people. I learned how to subtly make comments to this man that expressed my dissatisfaction with his performance while hopefully not getting benched for it.

“Hey Larry, great day to see huh?”

While dominating the rec ball league at Borgnemouth, showing up to the field would be business as usual for the boys. Unless, Larry was walking on the field coming to talk to the coaches about the game to be played. As a team, we would all collectively express our resentment of his shit calls from games prior while warming up.

“Shit guys, Larry’s here.” – 7 year old Braves during long toss.
“I swear if we lose to piss ass Rebel today because of this guy, I’m telling my dad to kick his ass.” – 8 year old Braves during the coin flip.

Get that shit call outta here, blue!


After graduating from coach pitch and going to kid pitch baseball, Larry became a vital part of my road to high blood pressure. Stepping up to the plate as the batter was different with Larry. You never knew what to expect from a strike zone perspective. Ball over your head, strike. Ball hit the ground in front the plate, strike. Ball right down the dick of the plate, ball. The man went full blown Stevie Wonder at times.

Now pitching with him as the ump was actually not too bad. If you read the above paragraph, you can see why. I could throw that ball at the batter’s hot sister in the bleachers and Larry would call it a strike.

In summary of this section, Larry from Da Parish showed me that discipline is complete shit and you swing at everything.

Playing For The Love of The Game:

This section is going to be quick, because if I didn’t love the beautiful game of baseball, I wouldn’t have dealt with Larry’s shit so long. He made me mispronounce my r’s in true parish fashion out of anger. He also led to one hell of an ass whooping from pops after giving him the ole middle finger salute for calling my dinger a ground rule double.

Final Thoughts:

Yes, I went in on a parish legend. Yes, this may come off a bit rude. But, you this man left a mark on majority of Da Parish athletes back in the day. He was your friend off the field or when he gave you a good call. He was your enemy between the chalk and when he rung you up on a ball that was thrown into the dugout.

Needless to say, Larry’s legend will always live on in St. Bernard. Most notably in a little tune that we all sang on gameday. Sing along folks, I know y’all know and love it.

“When I grow up and I can’t see, I want to be a referee like Larry!”

For the record, yes I know baseball has umpires, not referees. Don’t be that person. We were little assholes down there making a catchy tune for a visually impaired man.

There you have it friends. Another “Da Parish Chornicles” blog out in the atmosphere to take you down memory lane. Feel free to comment with your best Larry moments.

As always, never forget to stop by the HTM shop for merch and for the latest mayo blogs. More importantly, never forget to Hold It.

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