How fucking purified do you feel right now? Gah lee, Hold the mayo. It is officially Saturday morning. I know the feeling. We all enjoy that same damn euphoria once the sun strikes the sky on this very day during college football season. Make sure every task during your morning is calculated and efficient. That will require getting off the ole ass grabber and moving quickly through the normal morning routines, whatever gets the blood flowing. Eggs and bacon? Sure, man. I like drenching my eggs and bacon with ketchup, like I’m living at Sonny Koufax’s house. Others like the morning cartoons on Warner Brothers, and I concur on that shit without a shout of a doubt. Some people go do weird shit like run around the parish in hopes to get “runners high.”
Morning Glory Concludes…
After all that morning glory concludes, it officially becomes a college football war zone. Tell the honey that you have nothing but good intentions this morning. Maybe even show her a clip of “White Man Can’t Jump.” That may help her in understanding this will be a fucking ride, but it can work out, Sweetie. “No more bets on Michigan, baby. I promise.” Welcome to the Spread Buffet.
HTM College Game Day Spread Buffet
Virginia Tech vs. (16)Notre Dame ND 17.5-point favorite.
- First and foremost, Hold all the damn mayo on this one.
- Notre Dame again finds themselves way too extra.
- No fucking way Notre Dame wins by 17 ½ points.
- The Hokies are RED HOT right now.
- Both are shit against the spread.
- VT may be doing the hokie pokie when this one is over.
- Mayo Spread Pick: Take VT to cover, and do it confidently.
Update: Notre Dame is exactly who we thought they were, BUMS. Tech covers in a tragic loss 21-20.
TCU vs. Oklahoma State OKST 2.5-point favorite.
- Just ride Chuba Hubbard until it hurts.
- The boys in orange are 6-2 against the spread!
- TCU is riding high after beating the Longhorns.
- Both teams have absurdly powerful offenses.
- CHUBA EH? Yeah Chuba, bro.
- Cowboys won’t lose at home this game.
- Give OKST the advantage at home.
Mayo Spread Pick: Take OKST to cover. Even with the loss of Tylan Wallace.
Update: Chuba went bananas. 20 carries, 223 yards, and 2 zone invasions. OKST covers 34-27.
(22) Kansas State vs. Kansas KSU 5.5-point favorite
- Les smokes grass with 21 Savage. That would be a solid headline.
- Kansas is coming off of a huge win against Texas Tech.
- Les and the boys also played Texas strong like an ox.
- Kansas State just shredded sooner souls last week.
- Jayhawks are an inconsistent 4-4 against the spread.
- The Wildcats eating spread plates at 5-2.
- Kansas puts up some yardage, but they also give up points.
- Look for Kansas State to slow that KU roll.
Mayo Spread Pick: Les wins in many ways. Les doesn’t win today though. Take KSU to cover.
Update: The Les Miles led Jayhawks to move to 1-5 in conference play. Kansas State smashes Kansas 38-10.
SMU vs. (24)Memphis MEM 6.0-point favorite.
Can’t believe I’m touching this fucking game.
- This will be a fucking extravaganza with yardage and points.
- Both teams average around 40 points a game.
- College Gameday has taken their talents to Memphis.
- Memphis sitting alright at 5-3 against the spread.
- SMU hits the line a little better at 6-2.
- Look, these teams are as equal as cream and sugar.
Mayo Spread Pick: Take Memphis to cover against this SMU hype wagon.
Update: Memphis pushes at six points. Absurd turn of events. Memphis blows it in victory 54-48.
Ole Miss vs. (11)Auburn AUB 18.5-point favorite.
- 18 ½ is a shit load for a Bo Nix led team.
- Ole Miss just plain out fucking sucks.
- Auburn smoking points at 7-1 against the spread.
- Ole Miss 4-4 against the spread this season.
- Two straight L’s for the ole ladies.
- Auburn’s defense will score.
- Bo Nix will somehow transform.
- The game is in Jordan-Hare. I think we are wasting time here.
Mayo Spread Pick: Take all 18 ½ of those points, and bet the house on Auburn.
Update: Auburn blows it and only wins by six points, 20-14.
(8)Georgia vs. (6)Florida UGA 6.0-point favorite.
- Who has the balls to even touch this game?
- Let me touch it. Georgia is 3-4 against the spread.
- The game is in Florida, and Tebow is active as piss in media right now.
- Trask is underrated, and Georgia tends to choke.
- Fromm is like my last favorite sweater in the closet.
- Just can’t go as far as saying these gators will win.
Mayo Spread Pick: Take Florida to cover. Take them to COVER.
Update: Florida hung in there. The Gators suffered a one touchdown loss. Spread wins by one, 24-17.
Northern Cookie Crumble Parlay-
- Indiana (-10.0)
- Utah (-3.0)
- Virginia Tech (+17.5)
Update: Northern Cookie Crumble was to die for guys.
Southern Soft Serve Parlay-
- Auburn (-18.5)
- Tennessee (-13.0)
- Memphis (-6.0)
Update: No soft serve attainable today. Auburn ruined our dessert trifecta.
Purdue Boiler Maker Muffins-
TAKE THE BOILERMAKERS TO UPSET NEBRASKA. GET THE CHECK AND LEAVE.
Update: Dessert came early. Boilermakers get the W. 31-27
HTM Handbook Rule: Never parlay north and south teams.