Saturday Morning Spreads

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Saturday morning has arrived, and it is totally time to grab the butter knives and get primed up for Mayo Spreads. There is no doubt that HTM gained credibility after going six for nine from the spread buffet. We are back at the good ole spread buffet for this weekend’s feast. Tons of fucking people are picking from the buffet, so we need to choose wisely and not judge too many of these dishes by their appearance.

Don’t buy into the hype…

Let the assholes pick the losers while we steer clear of all the oh so common foolishness, because losing is not an option.

Losing is for assholes…

Losing is for wussies. It just reminds me of bums, and we are all far from bums. Get rid of your nerves, and smoke a dart if necessary. However, stay composed, as you will be tested by all kinds of bullshit today. Make the right pick. Look over the spreads, and make sure you don’t fuck up. Saturday Morning Spreads On The Plate…

HTM College Game Day Spread Buffet

Game #1

(4) Penn State vs. Minnesota (17) PSU -6.6

  • I really don’t know much about either of these Big Ten phenoms.
  • We know Minnesota came out of nowhere, and Penn State has an offense.
  • We also know College GameDay chose Tuscaloosa over boring Minnesota.
  • This is what we can observe. Minnesota is just as good as State.
  • The game is in Minnesota, for whatever that is worth.
  • Battle of the irrelevant, undefeated ends with a Gopher win.

Mayo Spread Pick: Take the Gophers to cover in Dinky Town.

Game #2

(12) Baylor vs. TCU BAY -2.5

  • Don’t let this nostalgic looking horn frog mess with your head.
  • Baylor is a better football team than TCU this year by light years.
  • The only positive thing for the frogs this game is that they play in Fort Worth.
  • TCU lost to OKST, KSU, & ISU, all teams Baylor destroyed.
  • This is the game nobody gives a shit about.
  • Don’t be like Andy Dalton and throw this pick.

Mayo Spread Pick: Take those Bears to roll TCU and cover.


(2) LSU vs. Saban (3) SAB -6.0

  • The only football game that matters Saturday.
  • Burrow against Tua (if he plays).
  • LSU against all the historic, shitty, forgettable losses against Bama.
  • The game is at 2:30 for the people who have to work on Saturdays. Thank CBS.
  • We can finally say, LSU will beat Alabama this year without sounding drunk or high.
  • Alabama has lost four games at home since 2008.
  • LSU will most definitely cover the six points.

Mayo Spread Pick: Take LSU to cover that six, and if you feel froggy take them to win straight.

Game #4

USC vs. Arizona State USC -2

  • Arizona State and Herman Edwards The Great look to bounce back.
  • Two straight losses for the Sun Devils, including a terrible showing at UCLA.
  • USC is the most inconsistent mess of a football team in the West.
  • Just an unfathomable disaster in California.
  • Arizona State has no business being underdogs in this game.
  • ASU covers this spread for many reasons.
  • Herm gets the win and covers against USC. Book it.

Mayo Spread Pick: The Sun Devils win and cover against USC.

 Game #5

(18) Iowa vs. (13) Wisconsin WIS -9

  • Woah, this is bullshit. Iowa has a D-Line on them, podna.
  • Wisconsin has just as nasty of a line on them too.
  • Trenches on trenches, this game remains in the low twenties, teens.
  • The spread at nine in the Badgers’ favor is quite bizarre with all that defense.
  • This is an easy chance at money, boys and girls.
  • Jonathan Taylor may even get held under 100.

Mayo Spread Pick: Take Iowa to cover in a low scoring game.

Game #6

(15) Notre Dame vs. Duke ND -8.0

  • I can’t believe I’m even going here right now.
  • Nothing I can’t stand more than Fighting Irish football.
  • However, for whatever reason, they look appealing in this Duke game.
  • Look for the Irish to try and get the lead early and thrive.
  • What is thriving in Notre Dame terms? No fucking clue, man.
  • Duke coming off two straight losses including last week to their arch enemy UNC.

Mayo Spread Pick: Please abuse me if this pick is wrong. Take the Fighting Irish to cover.


Mary’s Irish Mousse Cake Parlay

  • Maryland (+43.5)
  • Minnesota (+6.5)
  • Notre Dame (TO WIN)
  • Boise State (TO WIN)

Eddy’s Bayou Bengal Bundt Cake Parlay

  • Tennessee (TO WIN)
  • LSU (+6)
  • Ole Miss (-28)

Minnesota Mint Chocolate Cheesecake

  • An ole fashioned upset in Dinky Town. Take the Gophers to win.

Saturday Morning

HTM Handbook Rule: Never Parlay North & South Teams.

Hold it.

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