Matt Ryan Is Back On The Crack Pipe

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Beloved Falcon’s Quarterback Matt Ryan is back in the news today. He appeared on Barstool Sports flagship podcast Pardon My Take today where he talked all things football and the potential return of the NFL season. First off, when I said beloved, I lied. He is like the guy in high school that walks around screaming how many chicks he got with at last weekend’s party. Sure, you’ll see him around, but every time you do, you want to punch his face in. The guy is the definition of a choke artist. On Pardon My Take, here is the outrageous take he gave:

1) The Falcons will go 12-4 this year

First off, the Falcons new uniforms are hideous. My god my third grade self could grab a handful of Crayola crayons and design a better uniform than the travesty that they came out with. Second, the Falcons went 7-9 last year. Obviously they missed the playoffs. The best part? They made no real upgrades. They have a dangerous wide receiver duo in Julio Jones and Calvin Ridley, but they have no other weapons besides that. Sure, they signed Todd Gurley this off season, but his joints work about as well as my wheelchair confined 95 year old great-grandfather. Finally, Matt Ryan is still their QB. Sure, he’s average and that dumbass Chris Simms ranked him as the best QB in the NFC South, but Chris Simms opinion on best Quarterbacks is about as relevant as my opinion on fashion. I don’t know shit, and neither does he.

I can see the Falcons improving on their 7-9 record from last year, but 12-4? Matty Ice has been smoking too much ice because that is the highest thought I’ve heard since my brother asked me, “When we yawn, do deaf people think we are screaming at them?” Off the bat they will have two loses to the Saints. They also have to play the Chiefs, Seahawks, Cowgirls, and Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Cucks twice. I can see 9-7, maybe 10-6 TOPS. And yes, they will miss the playoffs again.

2) He is the best QB in the NFC South

This is the second highest thought I’ve heard since my brother asked me, “If vegans fight, is it still considered beef?” Anyways, a take as bad as this has to be put in the archives on the list of shittiest takes I’ve heard. Kind of like yesterday when Colin Cowturd said USC is still one of the four elite college football programs. Here is my completely non-biased list of the best QBs in the NFC South:

  1. Drew Brees
  2. Tom Brady
  3. Jameis Winston
  4. Taysom Hill
  5. Teddy Bridgewater
  6. Danny Etling
  7. Matt Ryan

I mean hell, Matty Ice isn’t even the best QB on his team. Tom Brady has now joined the division, and he thinks he is better than him? Bro, you blew a 28-3 lead to this guy in the Super Bowl and you think you’re better than him? You think you are better that Daddy Drew who leads the all time series against you by five games? Get back to the crack pipe, Matt, your place on top of the NFC South will not be there anytime soon. You and that bald head freak Dan Quinn go back to choking while the big boys will continue whipping your ass up and down the field.

Also, douchebag, you are the most unreliable fantasy football QB I’ve ever drafted. I traded for your ass and then you shit the bed for me and lost me a championship. I’ll never forgive you for that. Also, you play for the Falcons, so you are automatically one of the worst humans to walk the face of this earth.

In Conclusion….

Shout out Pardon My Take for baiting this gullible loser into answering their question. Big Cat and PFT have perfected that craft. Finessing world class athletes to admit scorching hot takes? Yes please, I’m here for that. I know for a FACT that not only the Who Dat Nation, but the New Orleans Saints organization itself will have some fun with this one. Print that quote, hang it up in the practice facility, and lets feast on some Falcon twice again this year. WHO DAT!?!?

Also, for all you Saints fans out there who hate Matt Ryan, ugly ass Arthur Blank, and everything Atlanta and the Falcons stand for, buy HTM’s own B.A.D. Nola Edition Tees. At the exclusive HTM tailgates before Saints games this season, I will give you a one of a kind Trainwreck signature with a gold sharpie on that bad boy.

Why is it one of a kind? Because my signature changes each time I sign something. Whether it be a receipt or a check, you and ya mother will never know it’s actually me. Click the link HERE to buy now. And as always:

HOLD IT.

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