No need to feel like an asshole. Another Lord’s day is upon us, and it’s time to clean the house, mow the lawn, and stand firmly behind your wagers for the day. You earned it, bud. Feel good about it. Last week, HTM went 5/10 from the spread buffet, and this week looks to be a potential disaster if we don’t watch ourselves. Let me say it again, “This week could be a fucking shit show.” They have some heavy dishes on the spread buffet that may send you straight to hell in the wager world. Are you buying into the Browns guaranteed stock? Here is what’s on the buffet this week.
NFL Spread Buffet
Chargers vs. Bears (-3.5)
- Matt Naggy doesn’t do it for me.
- Phillip Rivers tends to explode several times during the season with high yardage games.
- The Chargers need a win more than ever.
- The Bears are holding counseling in avoidance of internal disaster.
- Can’t take Rivers in Chicago. This won’t be his day.
Mayo Spread Pick: Take “Da Bears” to cover. Hearty bear always fills the gut.
Giants vs. Lions (-6.5)
- The Lions have lost three straight.
- Golden Tate returns to Ford Field.
- Marvin Jones transformed last week.
- No Kerryon Johnson, out for the season.
- The Giants’ defense is atrocious.
- Not sold on the Daniel Jones dumplings.
Mayo Spread Pick: Take Lions to cover. Nice portion of “Staffords Pie.”
Broncos vs. Colts (-5.5)
- The battle of Peyton Manning.
- Also who made this NFL “Greatest Game Changers” list?
- Joe Flacco vs. Jacoby Brissett.
- Broncos’ offense is a tragedy.
- The Colts are something unique.
- I wouldn’t bet any amount of money on Joe Flacco.
Mayo Spread Pick: Take Peyton’s Colts to cover. Great go-to dish.
Cardinals vs. Saints (-10.5)
- Saints have won five straight under Bridgewater.
- Arizona hasn’t won in New Orleans since Jim Everett. (’96)
- The man with the golden arm is slated to be back.
- Saints undefeated on Poydras street this year.
- Arizona has won three straight.
- Kyler Murray is VERY promising.
- Pat Pete vs. Mike Thomas. Can Pat guard Mike?
Mayo Spread Pick: Take the Bless You Boys to cover that 10.5 spread. Always room on the plate.
Browns vs. Patriots (-10.5)
- First things first, Jarvis Landry called bank on this shit.
- Browns 2-1 on the road this season.
- Tom Brady just picked up another toy in Sanu.
- Pats undefeated at home. Smallest ass whooping was 16 points.
- Pats have played some terrible teams, and that is facts.
- Baker needs this game in the worst way.
Mayo Spread Pick: Shit, Take the Browns to cover. Just to cover though, nothing else. Get the check and leave.
Broadway Bread Pudding Parlay-
- Philly (To Win)
- Lions (-6.5)
- Bears (-3.5)
Southern Sweet Potato Parlay-
- Saints (-10.5)
- Jags (To Win)
- Texans (-6.0)
Tampa Bay Banana Pudding-
- Bucs beat Titans.
- Bucs (+125)
HTM Handbook Rule: Never Parlay North & South Teams.
This week is a tough outing, and it takes balls to lay it on the line with pride. Stay on your toes, and make the damn picks. Don’t think too much because the games are the games this week, my friends. Remember, these are Devin’s picks. Don’t throw shade at HTM if you lose every last dollar. Throw the shade at Devin. Especially if the Browns continue to be the Browns, Hold it.