Ladies and Gentleman, we’re almost there. The official start of Summer is this Saturday. Get your flip flops and shorts ready, because it’s going to be a hot one. What is there to do since Covid-19 hasn’t magically disappeared yet? Lucky for you, I figured out the answers. Living in Southeast Louisiana my entire life has taught me many things, but most importantly, it has taught me how to handle the ole flaming ball in the sky. I have compiled a list of activities you, your friends, and even your family can enjoy during the summertime in The Big Easy.
5) Lose 10 lbs by walking around the Audubon Zoo
A staple of New Orleans, the Audubon Zoo is a family friendly place to spend a quaint summer’s day. Nothing beats screaming children, pissed off parents, and looking at the ever so rare flamingos. The best part about it? You can slim down your beer belly by simply walking around. If you are a hefty individual like me, this is a blessing in disguise. I start getting swamp ass five minutes after walking out my front door. There is also a water park there, so there is no better way of avoiding a heat stroke than cooling off in a half ass attempt at Blue Bayou. Take it from me, the zoo is a wonderful place. Just beware of the screeches of little Braxxton and Bianca when their Papa won’t buy them a sno-ball.
4) Get your Netflix and Chill on during the summer storms
You know the saying “April Showers bring May Flowers”? Although true, it is a crock of shit. Sure, the beautiful magnolias and hibiscus are blooming, but just know there is another storm looming. Yes, for many, summer means fun in the sun and beautiful weather. For us? It means watching the news and weather 24/7 for the impending hurricane that will put us back underwater. Have no fear, even the slightest showers will cause our great city to have stand still water in our streets. Lucky for you, there is this awesome new thing called Netflix. Hop on Tinder, get yourself a lady of the evening, and throw on The Office and see where your luck goes from there.
But if I go over somewhere and they put The Office on, I am taking my 3 Wood straight through their television. Why? Because The Office blows.
3) Cool off in one of our various bodies of water
Ah, yes. Nothing beats cooling off in a body of water during a hot summer’s day. The best part? All of our bodies of water look like shit. I actually applaud the brave souls that dare to swim in Lake Pontchartrain or Bayou St. John. These bastards must have no regard for their life if they risk treading water in these disgusting looking tributaries. You would never find me in those waters. You know why? I don’t want a brain-eating amoeba. You could try your luck and take a dip in the Mississippi River, but you have to be Michael Phelps to even hold up in there.Lucky for me, I have easy access to two pools, one of which is conveniently located in the French Quarter. IF you see me on an inter-tube with a Miller Light in my hand, you best not disturb me.
2) Get out and do some yard work on your non-existent lawn
If you live or have ever been to New Orleans, you know that having a lawn is super rare. Unless you are a doctor or lawyer, odds are you are living in a shotgun house with about two square feet of yard space. Lucky for you, patio plants are what everybody seems to drool over now a days. Thankfully, my landlord has a beautiful green thumb and makes my porch look like a damn botanical garden. If you aren’t so lucky, I just gave you a new hobby. Sure, you can go to Home Depot and buy seeds and start your process. Or, you can just call Nola Flora and put in the minimal amount of effort to make your porch beautiful. Honestly, be grateful you don’t have a yard. Would you want to be out there mowing in 110 degree heat? That’s what I thought.
1) Grab a drink at your favorite watering hole (Inside seating, of course)
The best thing about New Orleans? There are no shortage of bars around. From Uptown to Mid-City to Downtown, there is a spot for everyone to grab a cold one. You know what is worse than stubbing your toe? Sitting outside and your beer getting hot as hell five minutes into your drink. That is why it is IMPERATIVE you find a place you can sit inside. Nothing is worse sweating your ass off and drinking a luke warm beer. Lucky for us, places are starting to re open and you can enjoy your beverage of choice in the nice cool air conditioning. New Orleans isn’t a place you come to have one or two drinks. It is a place where you go to pound as many as you can in the shortest amount of time, dance your ass of, and get up on a mic and sing Don’t Stop Believing until people are convinced you were actually in Journey.
If you need a reminder, one of my favorite bars, Le Bon Tomps Roule on Magazine, has you covered:
How will you spend your Summer? You better tell me
I hope some of these ideas have served you well. I can’t wait for you guys to get back to me about how your summers went. Hopefully, you listened to a few of my ideas on how to make the best of the Covid Summer Mania. If you think I missed anything, don’t be a coward and let me know.
Also, if you are a fan of Mayo Man’s late night Undressed podcast, there is a perfect shirt about to drop for you. Please consider buying a shirt. Snow has had nothing but cigarettes and red beans and rice for the last three weeks and I am starting to believe that his heart may not be able to last much longer. The shirts will become available tonight.
Pretty dope if you are a fan of the show. And as always: