Trainwreck’s Biggest NFL Headlines: Week Five

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We’re back baby! A special Wednesday edition of Trainwreck’s biggest NFL headlines. Thanks Tuesday night football. Week Five from the NFL proved to be a much more exciting one than Week Four. Another coach got the boot, an incredible Monday Night game, and more Covid fuckery. As of now, it looks like this season could easily go to shambles, with the Titans not giving a blatant shit about Covid protocols. The Patriots also seem to be in danger too, but hey, if the Patriots weren’t around, would that really be a bad thing? I know I wouldn’t care. However, besides the madness, Week Five was a lot to digest. Lucky for you, I am here to unpackage some of the shit that you witnessed. Let’s dive in, shall we?

#5: You got any more of those… ankles?

Cowgirls: 37

Giants: 34

Listen, I hate the Cowboys more than anyone of the face of this Earth, but God was that injury BRUTAL. In the third quarter in a tight game against the Giants, Dak was scrambling and was tackled on what looked like a relatively light tackle. Little did we know, Dak’s ankle was completely disconnected from his leg.

Prayers up to Dak man. Nobody likes seeing a talented QB go down like that. Fuck Jerry Jones for not paying that man before the season. An injury like this could be career altering, and now there is a chance he will not make nearly as much as he would pre injury. Such a shame. Also, Tony Romo with an incredible line of “Let’s hope this is just a cramp.” Yeah, okay Tony. C’mon man. Now the Cowboys are truly fucked for the rest of the season. You think ginger boy Andy Dalton can lead you all to the playoffs? LOL.

#4: Are the 49ers frauds?

Dolphins: 43

49ers: 17

In an outcome not even ya mother saw coming, the Dolphins MOLLY WHOPPED the 49ers 43-17. San Francisco’s Super Bowl hangover must be alive an well, because they let Fitzmagic hang hog on them. Yeah, their defense is injury stricken, however, they should not allow 43 points to arguably one of the worst teams in the league. Jimmy G does not look like he can lead this team to the promise land again. I really don’t have much to say about San Fran except sit back and laugh at the dumpster fire they are turning into.

However, wow, the Dolphins. Who would of thought they would hang up 43 points on the 9ers. Unreal. Is Ryan Fitzpatrick the play caller Miami has been waiting for? I doubt it. Everyone has been calling to let Tua start, but if Fitzmagic is winning them games, why fix what isn’t broken? Unfortunately, the Dolphins have a shit kicker of a schedule remaining, but if they can find a way to sneak into the playoffs, wouldn’t that be a helluva story line.

#3: Have the Chiefs been blueprinted?


Chiefs: 32

Another game that nobody saw coming, The Raiders stunned the Chiefs 40-32 and many are asking, did Gruden give the entire league to the blue print on how to beat the Chiefs? I don’t know, but the Raiders are a sneaky good team. Derek Carr doesn’t look bad, Josh Jacobs is slowly becoming an elite running back, and Henry Ruggs is a fucking stud. This game shows that the Raiders can compete with anyone. Once again, don’t have much to say about the Raiders, but kudos for the win.

Trouble in paradise?

Is the sky falling for the Chiefs? You want to know the answer? The answer is hell no. The Chiefs are fine. Sure, nobody wants a hiccup against the Raiders, however, might as well get this game out of the way earlier rather than later. Sure, Mahomes had an off game, but I still have no doubt that the Chiefs will still be heavy favorites to win the Super Bowl.

Also, what a complete douche bag of a comment. Selfish, narcistic, and completely out of touch with his ego. Kelce had 108 yards and a TD. How much better do you need to be? That’s elite numbers for a tight end. Yeah you have to be better, Kelce, better with your whack ass social media.

ATLOL Vol. 5: The night they drove ole’ Quinny down

Panthers: 23

Failcons: 16

It’s the end of an era, and to be honest, I am sad to see it end. The Falcons and Dan Quinn were meant to be one in the same. And with that, it means they can both never finish. The Falcons officially fired Dan Quinn on Monday and named Raheem Morris as the interim head coach.

This is very unfortunate for us Saints fans. Who did not love kicking the absolute piss out of Dan Quinn most times we faced? Oh well. At least one things for certain, the Falcons season is practically unsalvageable. I’m sure they will rip off a winning streak at some point that will ruin their chances at a good draft pick, which is another win for the Saints. I’m just still stunned Quinn coached this season, I thought for sure he was getting the boot at the end of last season. Thanks for the memories Dan, I will always cherish going 6-4 against your scrub ass team. Have fun on the unemployment line!

Matt Rhules?

I cannot believe I am sitting here typing this. The Carolina Panthers are 3-2 and are tied atop of the NFC South with the Saints and the Bucs. However, Saints got that tie breaker baby! But I am very impressed with what Matt Rhule has done with the Panthers. After starting 0-2 and losing their franchise player in Christian McCaffery, the Panthers has ripped off three straight wins. Teddy Bridgewater has looked solid, they have good receivers, and Mike Davis has filled McCaffery’s void perfectly. I don’t think that the Panthers will be viable contenders yet, however, I think their “rebuilding” year is exceeding expectations. I do not want to face a Panthers team that is this hot.

#1: Monday Night Mayhem

The Good Guys: 30

Chargers: 27

Well, first things first, this game took about five years off of my life. After getting themselves into a 20-3 deficit, the Bless You Boys came marching back in a Monday night thriller to defeat the Chargers 30-27. My God this game was crazy. I went from wanting to break my television to shotgunning Miller Light tall boys. I’ll start with the Chargers. They are definitely the best 1-4 team in the NFL. Justin Herbert looks like he can be the Chargers franchise guy. Plus, even without Keenan Allen, the Chargers wideouts were TORCHING our secondary. Like good God man, if Marshon Lattimore wants top CB money, he better start playing like one. Nonetheless, the Chargers may have a bright future.

Back on Top

After this win, the Saints are back atop of the NFC South thanks to the Bears defeating the Bucs. The Saints started off awfully shitty this game. Kamara found his groove and inevitably made one of the plays of the game.

This set up Taysom Hill’s game tying touchdown.

Which is the first redemption story. It seemed like every time Taysom was on the field, the Chargers knew exactly what was about to happen. He got stuffed on a third an short earlier in the game, which really set off Saints Twitter. However, he totally redeemed himself at the end of the game. Then, at the end of the game, the Voodoo Queen that lives in the dome used her magic again as the Chargers game winning kick was no good. The second redemption story was Marshon Lattimore. He got cooked all game, but ultimately made the game winning stop on fourth down in overtime to secure a Who Dat victory. This is a lot of momentum going into the bye week with a very winnable game against the Bears on the other side of it. Who Fucking Dat Baby!

Quick Bits

  • Bye Bye Leveon. The Jets continue to be a dumpster fire, with letting their star running back go on Tuesday.
  • Bills got exposed in the Covid Tuesday night game against the Titans. Good grief, I hope you saw Derrick Henry send Josh Norman to the depths of hell.
  • Browns are 4-1. Something I have never thought in a million years I would type.
  • Patrick Queen got the best of Joey B in a National Championship battle. The Ravens shit pumped the Bengals.
  • Kudos to the Texans getting their first win. Maybe ole Romeo is their guy.
  • The Cardinals won, but it was against the Jets, so who really cares.
  • The Seahawks stumbled, but Russ’ magic still found a way to squeak by the Viking.

Biggest Headlines Recaps


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