Trainwreck’s Cinco de Mayo Checklist

Share on facebook
Share on twitter

We made it. Today is one of the most glorious days of the American calendar year. Cinco de Mayo. Ah, yes. Nothing screams America more than dressing up like Mexicans and blatantly ripping off their independence day. With the Coronavirus still running rampant through our country, plans may look a little different this year. No, you wont be able to sit in the parking lot at La Caretta and drink margaritas until your liver explodes. However, I have comprised a list of a few things you may be able to do to substitute that feeling you may be missing.

Read up on the history of Cinco de Mayo

Personally, I have no idea how Mexico gained their independence, nor do I really care that much. Wikipedia tells me it’s something about the Mexican Army’s win over the French Empire in the Battle of Puebla. Pretty neat stuff I guess. But, that is the American way. We celebrate shit that we know nothing about. St. Patrick’s Day? Just another blind excuse to get drunk. Did you know that St. Patrick’s Day was to celebrate the work that St. Patrick did to convert the Pagan Irish to Christianity? I didn’t either, until Wayne from Letterkenny taught me.

In a way however, the Battle of Puebla impacted America. Imagine if we had French people were the ones we have constant issues with on the border? They may start trying to fight border patrol with their baguettes. I don’t know why, but the entire country of France and their people really irk me.

Do some laboring today

You gotta give it to these guys. They bust their ass doing all the jobs you and I would never want to do. Sure, you have these red necks screaming “THEY TOOK ER JERBS“, but I don’t see Jimbo sitting there doing landscape or construction work in the steaming heat of summer all day. I consider these front-line workers as much as those in the hospitals. They don’t take days off. They do all they can to provide for their families. To pay homage, I’m going to go outside and weed eat my girlfriends garden today. Sure, I’ll be going at it for about 10 or so minutes before I say fuck this, but I will have a sense of pride knowing I am paying my respects to those who actually know how to operate a weed eater. To those who might take offense, I am not being sarcastic. I am thankful for what these people do for our country.

Spend your entire stimulus check at Superior Grill

Oh yes, the enchanting Superior Grill. This is not only the place where every female goes with their girls to celebrate their birthday, it is also the biggest money grab I have ever seen. You want to know how much a large margarita costs there? Yeah that’s what I thought. Put it this way, I went on a date there, and all we got were two margaritas each and a large bowl of queso. The bill you might ask? $94 before tip. First off, Superior isn’t that good. I have already touched on how overpriced it is, but the food is maybe a step above Taco Bell. Second, the staff is rather rude as well. I was literally called a Spanish slur under one of the workers breath when I asked for my steak fajitas to be a little more rare than what they gave me. I asked for medium rare, don’t give me well done. Running a restaurant 101 right there.

However, if you are near one, I will applaud you for going to drop your stimulus check there just to get a party pack (since you can’t eat there), and a few gallons of margaritas. I am damn sure you will be begging for another stimulus check after this dinner. Me, you might ask? I am going to go to an even more expensive place, El Gato Negro, just cause your boy has it like that. Jokes on all you Superior fools, the black cat reigns supreme.

Bet on some FIFA matches

Yes, I am talking about the video game. There are still no sports in this world to fill this ever increasing void that I have. FIFA 20 is still something I play pretty regularly, so why not pay respects to the national sport of Mexico, soccer, and foolishly bet your friends on these matches. My roommate and I play pretty frequently. The overall record? I believe it is something on the lines of 32-2 in his favor. He is a God at the game and I am flat out trash. Will that stop me, after a few Pacifico’s that is, from throwing $20 on a match drunkenly believing I can upset him? You bet your ass it won’t. There are a few stipulations for playing FIFA on a day like today. You can only use Team Mexico or Mexican Club teams. Also, the language must be in Spanish. I think you can agree, one of the best sounds in the world is a Spanish-speaking announcer screaming his heart out after a GGGGGGGOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!

Drink, eat, drink again

Now this is what the day is really about. Eating all the Mexican food you want, drinking all the margaritas and Mexican beers that your liver can handle. This is what Cinco de Mayo is all about, coming together as a family and celebrating the bond we all have. That is why I do truly find the Mexican people as an inspiration. No matter what bullshit goes on, their sense of family is second to none. Sure, it revolves around eating and drinking, but you name a holiday that does not. I’m waiting.

So go pickup your catering pack from Superior, post up in your lawn, bump the Shakira and that cheesy Despicito song, and have a grand ole time with the people you love. If you decide not to partake in the festivities and celebrate Toomie Tuesday, that is okay too. (Snow didn’t make me write that I swear).

*** DISCLAIMER*** If I see one post about someone drinking a Corona beer in reference to the Coronavirus, I will go postal on you. That is not a threat, it is a promise.

And never forget maybe the greatest Cinco de Mayo tweet of all time:

Hold it.

Share on facebook
Share on twitter